My Motherhood Journey - The Introduction
Don't tell my younger self that she was still a baby herself when she got married and started a family. She already knows and will still deny it.
It was an abrupt awakening and a jump start on adulthood that I wasn't ready for. But now this little baby girl is in my arms and completely dependent on me and my best friend. I looked at my husband and said, "She's perfect. Her timing is perfect, I just know it." Scared little 21 year old had just become... Mom.
I was not talking about my timing, or our timing as a couple. We were still kids and dropped out of college to have this family. We wanted kids but we talked about getting married and then maybe 5-10 years later start the family. We were so young - we had time. But isn't it interesting how God's plans are not our own?
I knew when they handed her to me that she was special. I felt Holy Spirit surround her and the overwhelmingness of it came over me. I needed 17 warm blankets to try and stop my shaking and crying, which it didn't. It would be hours before I stopped. I knew scientifically it was because my body was in shock of what just happened (that's what the nurse said). Spiritually, I knew it was because there was something so special about the child that just entered the world and this little family we just became. I didn't know what it was about her or why, but I knew there was a reason she was born that day. I knew something was coming and that there was a plan for the three of us.
While I wish I had time to grow up before having kids, it's just not how it was. I had to grow up while raising this baby. This is challenging especially when your baby doesn't like to sleep and needs constant active attention.
What became even more difficult was being in what felt like a dark hole of postpartum depression. I refused to get help thinking I could handle it. I would eventually get out of it, right? Then I had severe separation anxiety from my husband. He worked at the top of the hill (a 30 second walk away from our little cabin in the woods), and I couldn't bear it. I would hold onto him at the door sobbing and freaking out because I didn't want him to leave us. Not leave us forever, I couldn't think that far ahead, just for the 8 hours he had to make meals for everyone...
It wasn't until my second child was born that I could see again. It was like someone turned on the lights and pulled me out of the dark hole. I was able to start thinking again and be there for my kids. It was like I was given a fresh start. Balancing of hormones, I'm sure, but it was a game changer!
Our marriage went through highs and lows as we were both figuring ourselves out; dealing with pains of growing up and healing from our pasts, and just becoming adults together.
What you see isn't always what's going on. Unless you were close to us, you may have no clue how challenging our years were and how hard we worked at parenting and marriage. We've learned a lot about ourselves and each other. Through it all, we stuck together. The four of us were a team and we held tight to that.
Every day presents a new opportunity. Every day we choose to love each other and give grace over and over again, because the reality is, we are and will continue to grow. We are never finished. We always require some form of grace as we encounter each other on a daily basis. We can learn a lot from each other if we are willing.
We also recognize the timing that our family started and how we live is all part of a bigger plan on this earth. We need to yield to that and look at the big picture. Why are we here? Why now? What does our little family have to do with anything?
What started off as a shock, then ebbed and flowed through the years, I've come to realize how much I've learned from being a mom, wife, and eventually a boss. It's all about getting up when you fall, being ok with failures and growing from them, forgiving others, learning from mistakes, and cultivating a better life for you and those around you. No matter what we go through or how we get through it, all these moments are opportunities to refine ourselves.
My motherhood journey has taught me to be more humble, less selfish, and more aware of who I am and my place. I am so grateful for that!
This journey that I'm going to be sharing with you is filled with real moments, tears, laughter, and some really cool ideas. I'm so glad you're here. I'd love to do this alongside you so please connect however you'd like!